• melyse

How to 'get your boobs back' after babe

Updated: Sep 4, 2020

"After breastfeeding, both the fatty tissue and connective tissue in your breasts may shift. ... Some women's breasts stay large, and others shrink. " - yeah, thanks for stating the fucking obvious, Google. I'm part of the 'and others shrink' club - you?! I have breastfed two babes so far, and man do I have the boobs (am I actually allowed to still call them that?) to (not) show for it.

Man, oh man, mama. I was NOT ready for this one. I got pregnant with my second babe when my first was only 8 months old, and I was still nursing, so my boobs went right from 'engorged when my babe sleeps through' to 'fabulously preggo' - I didn't really get the post-weaning, sock-monkey sadness then.

But now!? Now, that I've nearly fully weaned my second babe, I can barely fill an A cup. My once-perky, and full B's or C's are now deflated AF. Let's cry together. It's fine, everything is fine. Bralettes are in, yes? Yes.

So, I Google - 'how to fix breasts after breastfeeding' (because your girl doesn't have $15,000 to get these puppies fixed for real). Let's laugh together:

Take cold showers.

Excuse me what? I barely get one shower a day, I sure as hell am not taking a COLD one, in hopes that my tiny raisin breasts perk back up. Nuh-uh. Not happening. What if that doesn't work?! Then, I'll have given up what... a year (how long do you do this before you admit to yourself it won't work?) of hot showers? No deal. 5/5 do not recommend.

Exercise regularly.

Well, that's cute. Guess that ship's sailed. Between all the cold showers I don't take, and meals I barely have time to eat, I'll tell you one thing that isn't happening in this household - exercising. And I've determined that I don't hate my new boobs enough to start now.

Make sure you have a great posture.

Yes, because pregnancy and breastfeeding a tiny child in the middle of the night when you're at the brink of an epic meltdown really fosters that 'tall and proud' stance. I think I'm permanently stuck in this C-shape. Although, I will say, I do look like I have a tad more boobage when I stick this chest out proud - maybe there's a method to this madness.

Wear a supportive bra.

... what exactly is a bra supposed to support? Please elaborate.

Exfoliate your skin.

Exfoliate... my boobs? I mean, it's about as much action as these bad boys are going to get, I guess... Oh, you say that exfoliating my boobs daily is going to help with the elasticity? I'm no expert, but I BELIEVE that ship has sailed. I don't think I need more elasticity. We've proven that these girls can go from an A to a DD overnight (thank you, milk-coming-in, for the best porn-star boobs I will ever have). That skin is elastic, alright. But that's just it... skin is all there's left. #help

... So, anyone know how I can make $15,000?!

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